And time continues
the day’s move and change
nothing feels complete
nothing the same.
I want to die
Nothing makes sense
why am I surprised?
It’s different when you’re breathing
surrounded by life
paralysed with regret
screaming in fear.
This was the best I could do
I was hoping it would run me over
overwhelm my mind into peace
I don’t want to die
for the screams to stop
for my thoughts to stop
and for the words I write to take over.
If I were to die
would these words live on?
I doubt the world would remember
I’m tired of living an anonymous existence
I’m tired of living full-stop.
I’m going to the doctors soon
Have I lost the ability to make sense of my life through words?
A question I ask myself almost every night
do I possess a talent?
Is there a reason for all this…mess?
I’m overthinking, I know
spinning circles around each memory
trying to work my way back to…
what am I so desperately trying to get back to?
The past? I think not
It’s the fear of losing something that I may never have had
Is it still there?
I think so
I hope so
they keep telling me it is
it wouldn’t disappear that quick
and I believe them
but there’s still a part of me
a small part
that believes this is the end
I’ve burnt out
passion drifting from my fingertips never to meet the page
yes, that’s it!
I’m lost and I can’t quite put into words what I want-
what do I want?
I need to get back into the swing of things
but for now?
now I’ll just sleep
sleep and breathe
and avoid the beast of my dreams as it screams
What I’ve been meaning to say is…
I can’t remember, that’s the problem
my brain’s a sieve, flushing away the memories
and I’m tired, tiredness meant nothing before but…
I’m tired of conjuring up excuses to excuse me from living
and I want to cry
I want to hammer my hands against my head until the memories come flushing out
into the sink of creativity I once called my thoughts.
To end abruptly, only to never really begin.
Motivation coursing through my veins
falling amongst the memories of yesterday
the things I wish I’d done
Creativity, it was once my friend
a close one
one I shared everything with
one I couldn’t stand to lose
strange, how things change
from one to another
but I can’t help but thinking
wanting the past to become the present
motivation to merge to creativity
and I’ll leap!
I’ll dive straight in-
and I’ll learn to forgive myself
like all great creatives do.
and forgive again.