Baby Steps

And time continues

the day’s move and change

nothing feels complete

nothing the same.

I want to die

without actually…dying

how strange.

Nothing makes sense

why am I surprised?

It’s different when you’re breathing

surrounded by life

but I?

I’m not

nowhere near

paralysed with regret

screaming in fear.

This was the best I could do

I’m sorry.

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All I Could Muster

I was hoping it would run me over

overwhelm my mind into peace

quiet

I don’t want to die

I want…

silence

for the screams to stop

for my thoughts to stop

and for the words I write to take over.

What beauty.

Fade into Thursday

Have I lost the ability to make sense of my life through words?

A question I ask myself almost every night

do I possess a talent?

Is there a reason for all this…mess?

I’m overthinking, I know

spinning circles around each memory

trying to work my way back to…

what am I so desperately trying to get back to?

The past? I think not

but…what?

Fear.

It’s the fear of losing something that I may never have had

how

sad.

Talent

Is it still there?

I think so

I hope so

they keep telling me it is

it wouldn’t disappear that quick

and I believe them

I do

but there’s still a part of me

a small part

that believes this is the end

I’ve burnt out

passion drifting from my fingertips never to meet the page

I’m lost

yes, that’s it!

I’m lost

I’m lost and I can’t quite put into words what I want-

what do I want?

I want…

I need to get back into the swing of things

but for now?

now I’ll just sleep

sleep and breathe

and avoid the beast of my dreams as it screams

DO MORE

DO MORE

DO MORE.

The Unexplainable Yet Spoken

I’m not…

What I’ve been meaning to say is…

I can’t remember, that’s the problem

my brain’s a sieve, flushing away the memories

and I’m tired, tiredness meant nothing before but…

I’m not…

depressed

I’m just…

I’m tired of conjuring up excuses to excuse me from living

from life

and I want to cry

I want to hammer my hands against my head until the memories come flushing out

out

out

into the sink of creativity I once called my thoughts.

/

To end abruptly, only to never really begin.

Happily Forward

Motivation coursing through my veins

I leap

falling amongst the memories of yesterday

the things I wish I’d done

it’s incomplete

nothing fits

fittingly so.

Creativity, it was once my friend

a close one

one I shared everything with

one I couldn’t stand to lose

strange, how things change

from one to another

it’s different

but I can’t help but thinking

wanting the past to become the present

motivation to merge to creativity

and I’ll leap!

I’ll dive straight in-

living it

breathing it

and I’ll learn to forgive myself

like all great creatives do.

Forgive

breathe

and forgive again.