3rd Feb

Before all of this, I was a child; a child that would stare into the face the elders and simply, simply just wonder. They seemed so relaxed, so content with the beauty of doing nothing at all; I wanted what they had, the perfection of living, living with everything and emptiness as one.

I tried, I tried to do something or, or I tried to do what they urged me forth to do; I tried to live with normality but-

At the age of eight I found my grandfathers leather bound notebook, the first two pages were taken up by a scribble of words, words I couldn’t truly understand but still, words that reached out from the page towards me, towards my mind; I left the notebook for a week, left it in the corner of my brain, whilst I tried to form friendships, tried to live with the pull of normality tugging at my ankles.

Before all of this, I was a child, a child who dreamt of something, not quite knowing what that something may be.

After the week had passed, I sat with the notebook, I stared down at the empty pages, running my hands over the untouched purity of something so simple and I, I started to write; I think I probably wrote a load of nonsense that wouldn’t of made sense to any other but-

But that first night, that first night I started to dream of all the words in the world, they danced through my head and then, then I knew something; I knew of the importance of that notebook, the importance of my mind.

The later days all run together: I would caress normality each morning, teasing it with my lips, then I’d push it into the corner whilst I wrote of all the ideas I longed to be a part of-

Before all of this, I was a product of naivety, a lump of life thrown together by all those around me. I thought of my elders as souls so far from my reach, I even envied their miserable lives and thought of them as some form of beauty- as I said, I was a child.

Some things I know now are a lot different to the things I knew then; if it wasn’t for these words, if it wasn’t for that notebook, I would still be just as lost as the others, dreaming of nothing and everything as one.


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