High Worries

I didn’t intend on-

but I did

I did intend on doing it

I did

as the joint butt presses to my lips

my eyes focus on the empty plans I’ve tried to make

the holes in every story I speak

the unfinished poems left in the corners of my conscience.

I didn’t intent on becoming this

this much of a mess

it just sort of happened

as many things do

it “happened”

life happened

loss swept under my legs

and I

I fell

not into depression

but within.

The grey isn’t beautiful

it isn’t poetic

not once you’ve lived in it for longer than a day.

I want to say

goodnight.

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The Message Sent

What possessed me wasn’t…

excitement-

I just wanted to feel something other than the same-

everything’s the same-

emptiness

the same faces

the same-

it’s him

it’s all down to him

if I’d never-

I was alone

and what possessed me was-

him

it’s all down to him

as I repeat

and repeat

and-

he doesn’t give me what I need

and stupidly-

stupidly so

I thought the other would be better

but he’s just as bad

he’s the rest

so, where do I go?

Regret’s heavy in my hands

like a stone in each of my pockets

it’s there

weighing down the positives

and then they ask

they pry

what possessed me was no demon

no ghost dressed all in white

it was-

my soul filled with excitement

that’s what it was

it was the excitement

the prospect of meeting difference in the flesh

my flesh on its-

it’s something like that

yes, that’s what it is

that’s exactly what-

I’m tired of explaining

and to be truthfully honest, I’m tired of-

regret is a cruel thing

one you should never go over or repeat

as I repeat

and-

let’s stop then, shall we?

-/.

Mess Day

There’s something in my head

at first, I thought it was just laziness

I thought, if I did something

my attitude would change.

If I did something, what a lie

what an absolute lie

when I have ever done anything?

Apart from brushing my teeth

washing my hair

lying in bed

I’ve done nothing, how hilarious

no wonder there’s this- something- this thing I can’t quite describe, sitting at the back of my head and it’s tapping

it’s gently tapping

knocking around my-

I’m tired of believing that this isn’t my fault

and I’m tired of believing I’ll eventually become something

what a lie

what an absolute-

absolutely, I’d love to-

joke.

Proper to Say

Fighting through the night

with a sensation that-

it will not hide

nothing will-

nothing will hide

no matter what I try to keep safe

safe in the sound

safe with the faces

faces of those buried underground

foolish

how foolish

thinking I could do this

I can’t-

I can’t do anything

fighting

fighting with a sensation that will not rest

it sits

within my chest

clawing at my empty breath

it will not rest

it will not rest

it will not-

the repetition is boring me

be done with it

be done with it

be-

Pillow Shout

Peace.

It’s quiet and there’s nothing

nothing but peace

I sometimes wondered if this was all made up

if I’d ever feel it for myself

peace

quiet and there’s-

if I’m dreaming

I’d really like to know I’m dreaming

y’know?

Cruel

cruel to allow someone a moment to dream whilst stuck in reality

but

peace

quiet

nothing could compare

nothing will compare

but if this-

if it’s a joke

it’s not funny

it’s hilarious-

please

I just need-

I-

peace.

It’s quiet and there’s nothing

nothing but quiet

nothing but peace

what a dream

what a glorious

peaceful

dream.

I need to wake up.