This Is Not Poetry and Shouldn’t Be Judged as Such

It won’t be quiet

it won’t shut up

my thoughts are dancing

head’s splitting

I want to run

I want to jump

I want to ignore the positives and leap into the negatives

I’m alone

just as I should be

alone

no words

no faces

no sounds

nothing

I like the peace and quiet

if only for a minute

it’s longer than I’m used to.

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Cage Open

Where’s my life?

Where’s it gone?

I somehow thought I’d have found it by now

wherever it may be

but-

there’s no need to explain

explanations fail to answer anything

only I can get myself out of this mess

and I fear I may never be ready to succumb-

fruitless emotions.

I want to get better

I want to regain control

I want to recognise my life as my own

is that so difficult?

Can it be achieved?

I want

I beg, endlessly

let me out

let me out

let me out.

Nonsense

Familiar places

air stirring within empty spaces

I’ve been here before

I recognise the trees

the way they hang over the hills

staring down at the creation they’ve made

I know

I remember this place

and it’s strange

I shouldn’t be here

not again

as tears turn to fear

confidence to pain

I need to escape

past the familiar roads

familiar houses

familiar air

there’s no room for me

no place for me there

empty

the world’s empty

it’s begging me to join

to breathe the air of yesterday and pretend I remember

remember everything

but I can’t

I can’t remember

anything.

Are you happy now?

This Isn’t Art Or Even Poetry

Wasting time

wasting away

wasting all the same.

The pills aren’t working

they’re sticking to the back of my throat

so…

I try my own

the ones I swore I’d never touch again

and the pain?

It’s evaporated into numbers on the clock

as time stops

it stops

it-

I’m tired of living

I’m tired of wasting away

I’m tired of waking each day

and knowing everything

it will remain the same

nothing will change

nothing will change

nothing will-

repetition finds me when I’m alone and it allows me a moment to speak

and repeat

and repeat

and repeat.

This life wasn’t meant for me.

Balance

Can you help?

I ask myself the same question.

Can you?

…help, I mean

Can you help?

My heart’s growing heavy, limp in my arms.

I thought I was carrying the world

I thought there’d be some weight to it

but it’s empty

empty.

/

I’m struggling to concentrate on the present

the past is just too strong

and I fear I don’t have the strength to continue

the strength to look into the face of the future and know that time, it still waits on my watch.

Baby Steps

And time continues

the day’s move and change

nothing feels complete

nothing the same.

I want to die

without actually…dying

how strange.

Nothing makes sense

why am I surprised?

It’s different when you’re breathing

surrounded by life

but I?

I’m not

nowhere near

paralysed with regret

screaming in fear.

This was the best I could do

I’m sorry.